Only On Sunday

Ok, I want to know how I can become a Terrorist Target? I mean, if the Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade and the Sweetwater Flea Market, just to name a few, can be designate as Terrorist Targets, and get bucks because of the designation, then I see no reason why I can’t collect my share of the Homeland Security Pie.

According to a New York Times article, the above mentioned targets are listed in the National Asset Database which is used by Homeland Security to allocate hundreds of millions of our tax dollars in the forevermore fight against the Evil Terrorist. What I want to know is, how do I get on that list? I mean, if Indiana has more targets listed than even New York or California, then how hard can it be for someone like me to get added to the list?

Qualifications, that’s what I need. Let’s see? I’m over 50. That should get me somewhere. It gets me discounts at the local store so why not a listing as a Terrorist Target? And, I’m a writer. Everyone knows those Evil Terrorists hate writers. Look how they feel about Salman Rushdie? Maybe if I wrote something nasty about Islam or fundamentalist Christians or Israel I, too, could become a Terrorist Target and get on the list.

Oh, oh, I think I’m on to something here. Maybe I could include cartoons! Get a little riot going in the vicinity of my house. Death threats. Bomb scares. That would do it for sure. New Mexico is ranked 17th on the list with 1348 Terrorist Targets. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a problem adding little old me to the list. 1348, 1349, a couple mil here or there. No biggie.

And all in all, it’s got to pay better than writing, with a lot less work to boot.